


the light burns away shadows, but what about where the light cant reach?

by alonelyghost



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Character Study, How Do I Tag, It's 4AM, M/M, Not Beta'd, i havent even read the full thing i just typed, like in the slightest, narukami is jealous that everyone gets shadows but him, protag is named yu, souyo implied but not important, yosuke really only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-10 16:48:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19908976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alonelyghost/pseuds/alonelyghost
Summary: The others seem to think it makes him perfect, untouchable. To not have a shadow means there must be nothing wrong with him. To not have a shadow means he can be trusted - after all, he does have a persona, and personas only appear to those who have conquered their shadows. To not have a shadow means he's never had a worry, troubled thought, or malicious intent.He thinks it just means some god decided to fuck his life up.





	the light burns away shadows, but what about where the light cant reach?

**Author's Note:**

> listen it's 4am and ive been reading persona 4 fics and this happened. idk what it is. if ur reading this i'm sorry (also, hi i have fics for 3 & 5 too!!! much angstier!!! please love me) (also sorry for the actual sentence of a fic title. theyve been getting longer and longer)

Yu never gets a shadow.

This means, of course, that he already accepted himself by the time they went into the TV world - that he doesn't need a shadow because he already knows and understands his faults.

The others seem to think it makes him perfect, untouchable. To not have a shadow means there must be nothing wrong with him. To not have a shadow means he can be trusted - after all, he does have a persona, and personas only appear to those who have conquered their shadows. To not have a shadow means he's never had a worry, troubled thought, or malicious intent.

He thinks it just means some god decided to fuck his life up.

Sure, they saved almost everyone. Sure, it was cool having a persona - more than a persona, multiple personas (personae? persona? he's never quite figured out what to call the plural). Sure, it's great to have a permanent bond with everyone that he wouldn't have without it.

He likes to think of himself as a generally happy guy, too.

But, well . . .

Never having a shadow means, to him, that there's some part of him that's messed up and he doesn't even know where it is. That he has thoughts he's never caught as malicious or fearful, and he never will. That, once, there was a shadow in him that he never got to see.

Sometimes he thinks about what his shadow might've been.

Bitter? Moving so much, never seeing his parents, never meeting his cousin until that day at the train station - bitter that he never once gets asked where he wants to go? What he wants to do?  
Sad, maybe, for the same reasons.  
Angry? Malicious? Ready to watch the world burn if he can save one person? He's not sure.

He wants to be sure.

Normal people - those who have never encountered a shadow, heard the word "persona" - they navigate life pushing their deepest secrets even deeper. Does it burden him, to know that there's a way for him to understand himself? There's a way for him to grasp things he doesn't even know consciously, to relieve himself of it? Would it hurt less if he didn't know?

He's not sure.

He's not sure about anything, anymore.

If the others notice his change in disposition, his descent from leader to follower, they don't say anything. They still call him "Leader." Sensei, for Teddie. Partner, for Yosuke. Kanji and Naoto settle for senpai more often than not, which he finds endearing and annoying at the same time.

If they knew that he ever felt jealous of their shadows - let alone currently - they'd think him crazy. He thinks he's crazy, actually. This is not a burden he should be carrying.

Would his shadow be his annoyance at not having one?

What would his dungeon be like?

Plain, he thinks. A blank slate. An empty canvas, which he will eventually paint with the colors of a personality he has created. Soft, kind, caring. Aloof to an extent. Knowing, calm.

He's not sure where the lies start or end.

Are they lies anymore?

After all, a crafted personality he sticks to without faltering is still a personality.

. . . His shadow would be the same as the dungeon, he decides. A blank slate. Or, perhaps, the opposite - a colorful web of all of his traits, angry and bitter that he feels the need to pick and choose. Full of life. Full of spite.  
"Full of life" is never a personality he chooses.

Dull, grey, boring Narukami. Parents in America, or Paris, or England. Grey hair, grey clothes, grey personality. Soft, kind, boring. Quiet enough to be never noticed without cause, a face that blurs seamlessly with any crowd around him.

. . . Perhaps he doesn't need a shadow to confront the problems within himself.

It would be nice to have something to punch about it, though.

(Not that he has ever punched a shadow, as it would not be a rational thing to do, and Yu tries to be a rational person.)

He asks, at some point, what having a shadow is like. Having your soul bared for all to see, ripped from your own heart without your permission.

Yosuke says it sucks and leaves it at that, which is understandable.

Later, when it is dark, and Yosuke's sleeping form is breathing steadily, Yu figures it probably sucks less than fearing there's a part of you that you don't even know, but he would never say that out loud.

He's not even sure how this thought came to plague his mind.

It's too late to have a shadow, anyways.

(And, honestly? He's not even sure what he's upset about anymore, regarding him not having a shadow.)

(He decides to just go to sleep, and think about it another day. Or never.)

**Author's Note:**

> dont ask me what that was cuz i dont know. i have a persona tumblr (bluevelvet-room) that i post on sometimes. love u thanks for reading did i mention it's 4am


End file.
